The speaker we had on Tuesday was an amazing experience to
have. As a fellow adoptee I found that her story was the closest one that I could
relate to. I relate to her talking about the shocking possibility of her meeting
her birthmother completely unexpectedly because I had the same experience only I
actually met her unexpectedly. I loved the way she addressed the subject of
wanting to meet her birthparents but was hesitant to do so because she wanted
to get over the loss of her adoptive mother first. That shows respect and I
admire that.
On a different topic, I would like to address the readings
for Tuesday from Chapters 2 and 4 in Adam Pertmans’ “Adoption Nation.” First, I
would like to rant on this quote from Chapter 2. Pertman states, “I don’t look
forward to explaining this to our kids, but there’s no sugar-coating the bottom
line: Adoption was our second choice. / The mistake many people make with that
knowledge is concluding that second choice means second best” (p. 45). Pertman,
prior to these sentences, states that he and his wife tried everything to get pregnant
but it never happened. I would be sort of hurt from this statment coming from
an adoptee perspective. Even though my father would have made the correct
ethical choice to tell me that I was their back-up plan I would still feel
insignificant and unwanted… sort of an outsider even more than I would be if I
was actually their first choice. Pertman does, however, try to address that we,
as adoptees, shouldn’t take this numbing knowledge as us being a “second choice
[meaning] second best.” I think adoptive parents will go through these
discussion on ethical thinking and understanding but if we only stick together
in the fight for understanding through love and respect for one another then we
won’t feel lonely or feel “second best.” As adoptees we must understand that
our adoptive parents made the choice to find us and guess what… they picked us
out of everyone else in the world that was waiting for their turned to get
adopted. When in thought we might be the “second choice,” we are the first ones
that they love most now and we must respect them for searching us out and
picking us over everyone. That is what makes us special and that is how we
should live our lives… loved.
Posted by: Michael O.
Mike, thanks for your post and I appreciate your response to Pertman's comment. I wondered if his honesty would feel hurtful or refreshing to adoptees.
ReplyDeleteI have a somewhat related story to share. When we were adopting our son (our first child) we got on the wrong side of our social worker (long story I can tell sometime!) and our adoption was delayed for months--I think 6--although it was such a painful period I've tended to block it out. I was SO ready to adopt and be a Mom and I would have NEVER chosen such a delay. Yet, now that I have my son I think he is exactly the right child for me--I cannot imagine having such a close relationship with any other child. Yet, if I'd had my first choice--to not have had the delay in my adoption--he would have been adopted by someone else and we would have never known each other! I think that's part of the "miracle" of adoption--and perhaps that's what Pertman is getting at--that one's initial "second choice" can turn out to be/seem/feel like just exactly what was meant to be.
Jean
Graded Blog reply #4
ReplyDeleteAfter, reading a lot of blog posts regarding our speakers we have had, I felt the need to reply to a blog post that came from an adoptee, just because it was one more person I could personally connect with through these blogs. So as for starters, I’m glad you had that close connection with our speaker about the possible unexpected run-in, because I remember you telling me your unexpected experience with your birthmother back in fall! In my latest blog (go read it if you have time!) I explained how I had a situation JUST like our speaker, which was very cool to have a similar experience with another adoptee! Overall, I really enjoyed the speaker’s story and as adoptees, I’m assuming hearing stories from others helps us realize that we aren’t the only ones that have odd encounters, moments were things can be extremely emotional, and fears of re-uniting with birthparents; it’s very comforting in a sense.
As for Pertman, I agree with how you feel about his quote on explaining the situation to his kids, because it is a very sticky situation to bring up and explain. It was hard as an adoptee to not think that yes, you are your current parent’s second choice, but as you said, Pertman states that we shouldn’t take this numbing knowledge as being second choice. For myself, yes, when I was younger I would sometimes have these thoughts and would want to blame my birthparents for the whole situation, however, as I have matured and gained more knowledge on my identity and the past, I do not think this at all. I love my parents very dearly and thank God every day for having such caring and loving parents took me into their home. I am very fortunate for where I am today and as our speaker from Thursday would have said, “I am twice blessed”.